So where do we go from here?

We find a way to disappear.

Sunday nights are depressing. There's not much worse than sitting around on Sunday night waiting until you have to get up at 3 in the morning to start another shit week. I guess the problem is the shit week more so than Sunday night.

Thank god for Rock of Love.

Speaking of t.v., My Boys comes back Tuesday! Yaaargh! I love My Boys. That sounds like I'm talking about my balls, but I'm not. It's a t.v. show. On TBS. With Jim Gaffigan. Revolving around baseball. Awesome.

Speaking of Gaffigan, his new special in on Comedy Central right now. Too bad I have to watch Rock of Love. I'll catch a re-airing of Jimbo.

I think I'm just going to start reading whatever I want instead of wasting time doing shit homework.

Tuesday morning is the big day. By about noon I will know my fate. Hopefully my punishment is not too severe. Though, I have this sinking feeling that it's going to be really bad. If it is, it will crush me. I fear this.

"Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel / Is just a freight train coming your way"

So, I was riding in the car today with my mom and my grandma and I got to thinking about aging and how bad it sucks. I'm almost 25 and that is scary. My mom is 50 and that is really scary. And my grandma is 80-something-or-other and has no clue what the hell is going on.  If my next 25 go as fast as the first 25, (and I'm guessing they'll go even faster) I've got some serious living to do asap. Jesus.

Fuuuuuuuck Mondays. I gotta get outta here.

I used to be somebody I'd go to battle for...

A nickel-sized brown spider clung to a crease in the wall of the shower. The strand of web he'd clung to had been severed by the stream of water now pouring from the showerhead. As the water sprayed against my back the mist created by the rebound was raining down on him making his climb up the smooth slickness of the wall slipperier and more difficult. On he pressed. I washed as I watched his struggle. I could have done something to help, turned the water off cupped my hands and carried him outside, but I got the feeling that he didn't want my help. An all too familiar stubbornness and resolve that seemed to say, "I can do this myself." So, I continued as a spectator. A few times the elements combined to form a force too much and he was separated from  his crease, falling to what I was sure was his doom. However, each time about half way down the wall, before reaching the slanted edge of the tub below, he regained his grip on the crease and started the climb again. The spider did not give up. If anything, he seemed more determined after each subsequent failure and motivated by the increasing hardship. I admired him for this. I didn't know where he was going but I began to hope that he could hold on until the water was turned off and he could continue where he'd left off with his web building in the top corner. He was sure to be discovered and killed by the next occupant of the shower but for the time being I willed and wished for his success. I was proud of this spider. He desesrved a perch atop the shower for however long he could stave off the elemental and external invaders. The truth is, I wanted to see a winner, to be a part of the victory and to know that it was possible to overcome whatever was thrown in your path and survive in spite of it.

Then, as I shampooed my hair, seconds away from stopping the water exiting the shower and securing the spider's salvation, he fell again. This time, all the way down the beveled edge of the tub and into the basin below. Swept away by the current of the water and unable to free himself from the pull of the drain, he got caught in the grate and drown.

Tell me you believe in now...

Pittsburgh? Possibly.

Make way for the Cripple Creek Ferry...

You know who's awesome? Neil Young. Beyond awesome in fact. There is perhaps nothing better to just kick back and chill to. Thanks for being the shit, Neil.

You know who else is awesome? Third Eye Blind. Yep. If you want to make fun of me for loving Third Eye Blind, then fuck you. haha They are the shit. If you haven't listened to their new stuff (Red Star E.P.) do so as soon as possible. "Non-Dairy Creamer" is my personal favorite. I am going to see them at a rib burn-off in Cleveland at the end of May. I am incredibly excited. Though I think it's a bit of an odd pairing. (Bret Michaels is playing the same festival the following Monday.)

This opportunity allows me to scratch another act off of my list of those that I need to see before I die. Actually, it's not that pressing. It's more of a list of bands that I would really like to see. There are bands that have a few good songs and then there are bands that I can't get enough of and like everything I hear. Those are the ones that are on the list. Let's see if I can write it out...

Third Eye Blind
Sam Roberts
Alkaline Trio
Poison
Pearl Jam
Andrew W.K.
Radiohead
Wilco
The Rentals

I think that about sums it up. There are several that I've already been able to scratch off the list, (Weezer, Oasis, Eve6, Ozma, etc.) and Third Eye Blind and Poison will both hopefully come down this summer. Sam Roberts actually played Pittsburgh last weekend, but I unfortunately had no way of getting there. Bummer. Hopefully I will again have an opportunity to see him. Oh well, I'd rather see him in Canada anyway. There's just something about hearing "The Canadian Dream," in the States that just wouldn't feel right.

...flyin' Mother Nature's silver seed to a new home in the sun...



While we're on the subject, I'd like to take a minute to plug an upcoming album that I'm personally jacked about--Ace Enders and a Million Different People. Ace is the former front man of the Early November, who were kind of hit-or-miss for me, but his solo stuff knocks my damn socks off. He put out an E.P. a while back that absolutely rocked, and started streaming the entire album (which comes out this Tuesday, I believe) on his myspace this week. It's rad.  Check it. (Update: as of this posting the entire album is no longer streaming, so check out what's there and buy the album on the 17th.)

...I'm livin' in a dreamland...



Peace.

I want to be a country music star...

Well, not really. But the thoughts of Nashville remain. And it keeps sounding better. 

 And, I wouldn't mind being a country music star. That would be a pretty good life. But I can't sing, so I guess it's out. And that's not one of the reasons that Nashville sounds good. 

I have recently rediscovered the havoc that messing with your sleeping patterns can play. Yesterday, I hated everyone and everything and was basically convinced that I was doomed to live an unhappy life and got so angry and frustrated that I literally yelled several times. Upon further reflection I realized that it was probably because I've been working midnights this week, sleeping for a few hours during the day and working all night. A good night's sleep is really under-rated. 

As I write that, it is 10:38 a.m. and I've yet to go to bed. I am waiting to hear from my lawyer. I want my license. Quickly.

I realized today that I pretty much love Papa Roach. Totally not my style, and I haven't really been able to admit it until now, but there's just no denying it anymore. They are awesome. Even when they were rap/rock. I remember playing homerun derby over at D.K.'s and blasting that shit. I loved Infest. But I was 16. And it was way different from what they've become. That doesn't matter though, because I still think they're great. The new song, "Lifeline," has got me all fired up. Plus, it doesn't hurt that I'll always associate them with D.K. Helluva guy. I miss him. 

So, what kind of a job does a 24-year old with a Communications degree apply for? I'm up for anything. 

As Jasmine and Steve from Full House would say, "It's a whole new world." (Holy god that is a nerdy reference.) A new day of opportunity is about to dawn and my world will change. It has to. This cannot continue for much longer.

I keep on forgetting myself...

Third Eye Blind, anyone? Yes, please.

Had a couple of great conversations today with friends that are both old and current. It was good. It's nice to have people there for you that you've known for most of your life.

In one of those conversations, I was informed of some of the pros to a life in Nashville. It sounds pretty swell. Especially a bar called "The Greenhouse" that sounds like the best freaking thing ever imagined. "There are places I've never been and always wanted to go." Well, technically, I've been there. But in my opinion, you've got to live in a place to really know it. Definitely.

Another thing that came up today was what I think is one of the greatest lies that has been passed off as common knowledge that everyone knows--the fact that people don't change. That is completely and utterly false. People change. All the time. Every day. When I look back at my life I can see significant change almost constantly. I'm sure it's the same for nearly everyone else. I know that the saying is usually used as a device for giving advice to someone who is thinking about getting back with a significant other who has cheated on them or something, but that doesn't change the fact that it's bullshit. Just because someone is going to do something again doesn't mean that they aren't changing. There may be a certain behavior or pattern that is unlikely to change, but that's most likely because that person doesn't want it to change. We can consciously change ourselves. That is one of the most beautiful and liberating things about this life.

I can't wait to get my license back. So many things to do, so many places to see. With the windows down and "1979" on repeat with the volume up to 11,  I will drive America's highways in topsiders and wayfarers, smoking cigarettes with the sun burning my left arm from just above the elbow down and the air turning to wind. With no destination but the horizon and no worries but when to stop for gas, I will take the road as a lover and begin what I hope to be a long and passionate romance.

Man up...

Ahh, spring break. How I love thee. Even though I have no license and thus cannot go anywhere and I have to work so I couldn't go anywhere anyway. A break is always nice. There's just something about the changing of the clocks that always forces me to realize that the seasons are changing. Annnnnd we've had some wonderfully warm weather the past few days. Nice.

Despite the much-welcomed arrival of spring, I've still got movin' on my mind. As many memories as this place holds and as great as it is to be near family, there's just nothing here for me. I am glad for the things that this place has taught me and the life that I've had here----but there comes a time when you've just got to do what's right for yourself. That time is as soon as I get my license back.

And now the deicision process starts. Again.

Where to?

There are several viable and enticing options. Since I don't really have any sort of plan for where my life is going, it is difficult to say which place would be the best for me. It is hard to find something when you don't know what you're looking for. I will not make the mistake of believing that whatever I decide is permanent. I have been down that road and learned a lesson. My only plans need to be for the immediate future and what is best for, say, maybe a year at a time. That definitely helps. I can't help but worry----I guess that makes me a worrier. But if I maintain focus on short amounts of time, I am less likely to freak out, spin my wheels and dig a deeper hole where I am. That has happened one too many times.

What it really comes down to is people. Because, really, don't the people make the place? They do. (Warm weather sure doesn't hurt either.)

That is not to say that there aren't great people here. There are great people everywhere. Then why isn't everywhere a great place? I guess it takes more than people. What else?

Opportunity.

Because isn't that really the American dream? I know that there's the suburbanite version of the American dream which often gets confused with what I feel is at the heart of the true American spirit of endeavor. Some people, surely, want a car and house and wife and 2.5 children with a job that pays well and a driveway where they can wash their car. That's fine. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. I could be happy with that. It might even be what I want. I don't know. But that's not the American dream. The American dream is something very individual. It's the opportunity to be who you want to be and go where you want to go and do what you want to do.

People make excuses for why they can't do these things. Hell, I've made plenty of excuses for why I can't. But the fact is, you can. Any cage or chain you feel keeping you in or holding you down is of your own construction. And that's not to say that there aren't actual factors outside of yourself that can hinder your journey and make it difficult for you to achieve what you want. But how many stories are there of someone who comes from the bottom and rises up? That's the American dream. The underdog story. Because it signifies what America itself represents----that opportunity. It's not a level playing field. Obviously people start out at different places with different advantages and different advantages that can make the journey either more or less difficult. But the bottom line is, with motivation and determination, people can do things regardless of their starting position.

Maybe it takes a little luck. You've got to get a break. But it happens. Maybe not for everyone, but for some. And everyone should have the hope that it can happen for them. And that, to me, is the real American Dream.

I've got some doing to do. Because thinking is over-rated.