I work at Home Depot. I've been working the overnight shift for a couple months now in preparation for our big inventory coming up in February. I stock shelves, drive machines, and do other kinds of crappy little manual labor-type work. And, during the hours when the store is closed, I fucking love my job.
Part of the reason for that is the crew of people that work on the "Freight Team" with me. We are five guys who are all at different places in our lives. We get along great (thanks in no small part to the incredible music of Poison). Our boss (one of the five guys) is kind of a weirdo. He gets into the whole team bonding thing, regularly scheduling breakfasts together and setting up strange pictures of the five of us screwing around in the store. A couple weeks ago, it was decided that we should all grow the same type of facial hair in order to get one of these aforementioned photographs in the store. (Strange, I know, but feeling like part of a team really does help make work more fun and interesting, and Bob's starting to get the rest of us to buy into it.) The facial hair that we were to share in a chin strap beard with a full goatee on the chin and upper lip. A look I appropriately dubbed, "the goat-strap".
Well, we all grew our beards. Two black, one blonde, one brown and one salt-n-pepper. We got the picture. Due to itchiness and other factors, most of us decided to shave off or otherwise alter the goat-strap immediately thereafter. I myself was fed up with the thing. I thought it looked alright, but it itched like hell near the corners of my mouth. I was ready. Then, when I got out of the shower this morning, I didn't do it. I shaved the areas around it, cleaned it up, and then washed the shaving cream off of my face. I kept the goat-strap. It was a decision I came to in the shower, where I do my clearest thinking.
I didn't keep it because I wanted to hold on to the bond we'd had; that didn't matter anymore, they were all changing theirs anyway. I kept it because I felt like sticking with something. I felt like putting my faith in something and completely selling out for it. Like not holding back or being afraid that maybe it wouldn't work out. Sure, there may be people that think it looks stupid. I don't care. I like it. I'm going to make this the best damn goat-strap that I possibly can. Do I wish my hair was a little darker? Yes. A little less stringy? Of course. Do the corners of my mouth still itch? A little bit. But you know what? Nothing's perfect. That's one thing that I can say with absolute certainty thanks to what limited knowledge I have accrued in my 24 years. Nothing is perfect. Therefore, what you need to do, is find something you like and make it the best you can. Sometimes, you're going to be wrong. Fuck it. If it's a mistake, if it doesn't work out, if you come up just short, learn from it and find something else to pour your soul into.
I've done that with one thing in my life. There was one thing that I went all out for. One time when I, to use the cliche, put all my apples in one basket. I held nothing back. I got over the fears of failing and gave it every ounce of energy that I had. One time I've done that. That time, I failed.
For a long time I was bitter about it. I regretted it. I wished I hadn't been so focused on that one thing because it ended. I'd given everything I had for something only to see its time with me run out. My singlemindedness had ruined me--or so I thought.
It took me a while, and it wasn't sudden. So many times in my life answers have come to me in an instant revelation--an epiphany where it all becomes clear. This was not one of them. This was a process. It took me a while, but eventually, I realized that my one-track mind had not been a mistake afterall. Because the pursuit of that one goal had brought me nearly as much through my supposed failure as it could have through success. It wasn't a failure. Going after something you want and never getting it isn't failing, it's trying. It's living. That's life. That's what we do. The Rolling Stones said, "you can't always get what you want," and nothing's ever been more true. We're not supposed to get what we want or even what we think we need all of the time. Sometimes, it really is more about the journey-- with all of its back roads and sidestreets, all of its characters, situations and lessons, all of its bumps and bruises and battlescars--than the destination.
To use a lyric that my friends at work would apprecaite, "sometimes the rainbow, baby, is better than the pot of gold."
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