...deliver me.
Right now, I am happy. This is probably the longest string of consecutive happy days I've had in a really long time. This is awesome.
It all started with a revelation I had about permanence--that I needn't worry about it. Not now, maybe not ever. I spent so much time trying to look ahead to where I would want to be and what I would want to be in five, ten, fifteen years and far too little time thinking about where I wanted to be right now, at this moment (or at least for the next few months or so).
Once I made this change, turned the dial in my mind to adjust my focus, things have been swell. Sure, I'm still bored from time to time. You'll have that. My boredom is very nearly over. This is good. I like to have things to look forward to. This goes back to the whole permanence thing. I don't know if it's a fear of it, or just a love for change and endings and beginnings.
I think that's one of the things that I really like about Ohio--the four very distinct seasons. Sure, winter lasts too long, and spring and fall are slowly starting to fade with this crazy-ass weather, but they're all still there. I love them. At the end of summer, I'm ready for fall. At the end of fall, I'm ready for winter. At the end of winter, I'm ready for spring. At the end of spring, I'm ready for summer. It's awesome. I know that they have seasons in other places, too, but I'm just realizing a little more every day how much I appreciate the place where I grew up. Like it or not, this place has shaped me beyond what I can even realize. And there's a certain pride in that. When I uncover something that I realize is a product of my upbringing and this area, I fully embrace it; I'm proud of it.
This place is going to shit. It has been for a long time. Now, with the downfall of the American auto industry, it's going to get far worse. It's coming. It's here. But something about that makes me appreciate this area even more. I can't explain it. It's backwards. It's wrong. It's sick. But maybe I am backward. Maybe I am sick. I don't know, but for some reason it makes me want to stay. It's an unspoken bond with the people. People come together when they have a shared tragedy or difficult experience. People overcome. These tough times are what pull people together and bring them closer than those on the outside can ever realize. It's a fraternity.
I think back to the days I was playing baseball in college. I know that it's trivial compared to real problems in the world--compared to economic disasters and wars on foreign soil and all that--but it's what I have. That's my experience. We relate with what we know. With what we have. During those times, those 5 a.m. workouts, those times when I wanted to quit and wished I hadn't been so stupid as to chase a silly boyhood dream, when I wanted to strangle my pitching coach and punch all my teammates in the face, I realize now that I was building some incredibly strong bonds with those very people. It's a common experience that we all share. It's our adversity. We all hated it. We were all miserable. At each other's throats. But in the end, we made it through (those of us who stuck with it). In the end, we were closer for it. We were better for it. And now, looking back, those are some of the things that I miss the most about those times. The shit. I'm glad for it. It's the tough times and the unpleasant things that make the good times good. To quote Jason Lee in Vanilla Sky, the sweet ain't as sweet without the sour.
Tonight, that is where I stand.
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