I have always seen life as having several different and distinct paths or possibilities that one could follow based on the choices, decisions, and interactions that one had made leading up to any given moment---an infinite number of combinations resulting in an infininte number of possible outcomes. My life was different because of the choices I'd made and it was always and ever changing with each new day and situation. But then I got to thinking, What if that's all bullshit? What if everything really is pre-destined or determined and we're just given the illiusion of having choice? What if, instead of having different possible outcomes where everything is connected and constantly affecting everything else, nothing is connected and everything is completely random?---That's when I convinced myself to stop thinking.
The only problem with that approach is that we, in our culture, are programmed to act and function according to a set plan from our very earliest days. As babies we eat, play, sleep, etc., according to a schedule set forth by our parents or caretakers. Despite our best efforts to thwart this attempt by crying through many long and sleepless nights, we eventually break and fall into the established law. Once we begin schooling, the conditioning sets in full-force, and we are left with no choice about our rigid daily routine.
We are a nation who achieved our greatest successes in the era of Industry, and that is reflected in the monotonous routines of the everyday ordinaries in our all-so similar and mainstreamed lives.
My biggest problem with this, is that it takes away from so much of that supposed and much-heralded freedom of choice. How else do we learn but to try and fail? Perhaps a person is most productive between the hours of 10 p.m. and 12 p.m. After falling into the force-fed habitual schedule of his upbringing, he may never know. Sure, it may be discovered during his high school or college years during a late-night study session, but by this time, it will be far too late to do anything about it, and even if it weren't, what options would he have? Certainly there are those that break this routine and through some means of self-governance provide for themselves by accomplishing their goals during whatever hours are best suited for them. Writers, artists, etc., are free to create at their leisure---once they are established and self-sustaining and well-enough established to do so. But how does one reach that point? In my mind, there are but two ways: either one is supported by the wealth of a friend or family member until he is able to make it on his own; or he takes a chance and hopes to make it on his own, by some stroke of luck or providence, before starvation sets in. Unfortunately for myself, I have neither friends or family of that kind of wealth or means to support me, nor the confidence or faith to take the chance on my own. I am not alone in this; myself and countless other great minds will be lost to the toil and struggle of the ordinary, afraid to break the chains of regularity and schedule for the ever-present chance of falling.
What's worse is that this conformity is so strongly encouraged that the desire to be different or in any way special is actually discouraged. Look at the ways our culture uses these words. Special has come to to be most commonly associated with the mentally or physically handicapped. We have special needs students and classrooms. I'm not even sure if this term is derogatory or if its the politically correct nomanclature of the current week. Regardless, it isn't something that one aspires to be. Different has taken up where Raymond Carver's funny has gone before. It's a word we use when we don't know what else to say, but wish to maintain the uber-important politeness that we so value. It's not necessarily bad, but actually, usually, it is. It's a husband's reaction upon his wife's return home from the beauty parlor after drasitcally changing the hairstyle that he has grown so used to and comfortable with. It's what a young man, used to the steak-and-potatoes that he was raised on, says when a woman that he's trying to bed forces him (unknowingly) to try Indian food for the first time. It's different, meaning, What have you done? or What the fuck did I just put in my mouth? or I hate it, but I think this is my best chance of getting my dick wet later without abandoning all sense of truth.
...TBC (hopefully)
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