It's been said that over the past couple of years Brett Favre has tarnished his legacy by retiring and un-retiring with the phases of the moon. I've heard friends and experts say that my favorite football player of this or any other lifetime should just call it quits, that he should have gone out on top and quit while he was ahead. Well, I just don't think it's that easy.
When you realize that your relationship with a true love is over, it's a tough pill to swallow. Trust me. Mine left me after nearly twenty years of glorious days in the sun and nights in the lights. When you've spent your whole life dedicated to this one thing you are so deeply passionate about that everything else has been put on hold or pushed aside just so you could be with your love, it's nearly impossible to imagine a life without this relationship. It's been how you've defined yourself since your earliest childhood memory. It's given you your sense of worth and a place in the world. You met all of your closest friends through it. Every major decision in your life has been made in an effort to bolster and strengthen it, to give you more time together. It has been your everything, your Alpha and Omega.
It's not that it catches you off guard, you see it coming. When your passion requires youth, it inevitably ends far before your life does. Even the greatest and most fortunate only get to compete until around the age of 40 (Favre will turn 40 this October). That still leaves about half of life left to live. When the only thing you've ever really cared about deserts you with half or more of your life left to live, what do you fill the rest of it with? That's a lot of time to fill with something ...else. The best response is of course is to find something else that matters, a new passion, but what if there isn't anything? What then?
And just because you've gone your separate ways does not mean that your paths are never to cross again. It's like that pesky ex that keeps creeping back into your life at your most vulnerable and lonely moments. The separation wasn't mutual, but you've talked yourself into believing that it was for the best by listing all of the reasons that she wasn't right for you and why you deserve better and how you're better off now "sorting things out," and "spending time on yourself." Then, when all that stuff stops working for a couple of days, when you start to get tired of hearing everyone else talk about their great relationships and all the fun they're having and all the love that they're in, you hear from her, out of nowhere. You resist. It's happened before. You know better. You've learned your lesson. People break up for a reason. But the truth is, you miss it. You miss the person you when when you were together. You miss having someone. You miss being someone. You miss having something to occupy your thoughts and actions, a vessel to be the object of all of your efforts and good intentions. Then, against all better judgment, you get your hopes up. Maybe it can work. It worked once. At least you thought it did. It wasn't you that ended it afterall. Maybe she's changed her mind. Maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. "The more you suffer the more it shows you really care, right? Yeah." So you give in. You open yourself back up and let those thoughts start creeping back in. You make plans to get back together. To meet up and see how things go. Just a cup of coffee. Nothing major. Nothing serious. You show up and play it cool. You say you're doing really well. You try your hardest to make it seem like you mean it. You're fine. You don't need it. Just curious to see how it'll go. But the truth is you've been absolutely miserable since the separation. You're lying through your teeth and you know it. She probably knows it too. But you've got to play it cool. You're not desperate. Not you. So you show up. You drink your coffee. You try it out. It hurts like hell. Like it's never hurt before. It's been a while and you realize you're in way over your head. You've gotten ahead of yourself. But you've missed it so much that you can't stop. You're finally back where you know you're supposed to be. Where things felt so right. Where you have a purpose. Then the meeting ends because it has to. It went alright. Started out really well and you felt really good and things just seemed like they were back to normal. But as it wore on you began to feel that first hint of awkwardness creeping up. You were too eager. You jumped the gun. You shouldn't have done this. You blew it. But the beginning was okay, so you hope that there will be another. Maybe you've earned your way back into the game. You part ways with a semisweet taste in your mouth. Chocolate chips. It went okay. There's hope yet. It's not over. You go home to hope and wait.
She wants to stay friends. You know that it's impossible. From your first introduction you've known you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her as so much more than just friends. But you agree. Anyway to keep her in your life. It's got to be better to at least see her and know what's going on than to completely lose touch, right? So you try. You are a great friend because you know her so well. Your whole life together, of course you make a good friend. You act like its going well, but it's killing you. Every time you see her is like a tiny dagger stabbing you right through the heart, twisting every time you see her eyes light up and shine on someone else. But there's got to be someone else. This has been going on forever. There's always going to be someone better, somewhere, some time down the line. But she is all you've wanted and you can't move on. Seeing her only reminds you of what it was like back when things were good. When her good graces smiled on you. You were blessed with her heart and you gave her every last ounce of yours. You weren't meant to be friends. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. Finally, you can't take anymore and you work up the courage to say something. You want her back. You want to go back to the way things were. When you knew who you were because you were with her and she was good to you. You let your guard down again and let those feelings come back full force. You tell her you need to talk. She says okay and you'll get together sometime soon. She knows what you're thinking.
You don't hear from her. It's happened again. Goddammit it's happened again. You knew better. What were you thinking? You'd moved on. You'd parted ways, made your peace. But now you've tore open an old wound and it hurts like hell. The painful realization that the past is gone sets in again, more intense than ever before.
Never again.
...Keep telling yourself that.
So, if I could give one piece of advice to ol' number 4, who seemingly everyone is sick of hearing about yet still intriqued and fascinated by, it would be to keep it going as long as you're able. Even if you know the relationship's on it's last legs and the end is inevitable, ride it out until it's completely exhausted, regardless of what anyone says. There's no more chances after this. You only get one shot at life, so make it count. One day, probably soon, you'll be forced out by something or other. But in the meantime, make the most of whatever you've got left, because it doesn't get any easier on the other side.
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